Endless Loop
by GhostAnn
Summary: This is loosely jumping from the dream Kudo had in OVA 9 where he never found the cure... I don't know how much to tell you. When it just doesn't seem to want to end. (a kind of more descriptive summary inside) Rated T because of morality... (no couples)


_Authors notes:_

Because I can't focus on just one or two ideas at once…

So I got this idea while binge reading Detective Conan Fanfiction. I haven't read any of the ones where Shinichi is stuck in a child form forever (as in he never even grows up- just stays in a child body for eternity) because of the poison but I have read a few summery's and may read them in the future… and while reading- I don't know what… I think Heiji was rescuing Kudo from the BO but my mind was still on a story involving a soul link with Hattori and Kudo and cross-analyzing that in the back of my mind with a few stories I read where KID and Kudo had a soul link… and remembering a story I may have read just before the last where Kudo had just graduated high school as Conan… well, I don't know something in my mind clicked. And it evolved on its own.

What if… well, why don't we just experience this together…

(This is loosely jumping from the dream Kudo had in OVA 9 where he never found the cure)

* * *

It was never-ending. Kudo gasped curling in on himself feeling tears fill his eyes. Strange that it was only in these moments that he truly felt like himself. When was it that he'd last been called by that name? Well, by anyone other than Hattori. The time's he'd get to hear it from his old friend grew shorter and shorter by the day.

Even Haibara tended to call him by his alias. Whatever it might be at the time. He sometimes wondered if she even remembered their original names. The only thing that kept him from feeling more resentment toward her was the fact that she too had to suffer this every ten years. It was hard to establish one's self in a new setting so often. It was hard to watch as those around him aged and died while he was stuck in this never-ending loop.

He gasped feeling his bones burn. Like the first time he felt like he was dying, but by now he knew he'd wake up as a smaller weaker version of himself.

The first time it had happened… he'd resigned himself to the life of Conan. He'd found at least some semblance of peace in it, but… then it was all ripped out from under him. Again he'd had his life ripped out from under him.

Ten years of living as Conan and he'd begrudgingly accepted it. He was in the middle of his first year of High School- the second time around. He and the Detective Boy's had established a detective club and handled relatively benign cases. The police knew Conan though and trusted him to handle himself professionally and now that he was older they were not above asking him for help.

All in all, he was not unhappy. The pain and sadness of losing his old life still burned- the frustration from knowing that the Black Organization was still at large curled in his gut never leaving him truly relaxed.

Still, it was fine. Kudo had vanished… his calls tapering off to noting- Ran didn't even bring him up in passing anymore. She'd cried once about a year after the last call. Conan figured she had come to the conclusion that he was dead.

In his mind, she wasn't entirely wrong. Kudo would never come back. Conan was all that was left of him, a ghost of his formal self- and he could see the pain in her eyes every day she noticed how much he looked like Kudo.

He'd debated more than once on joining his parents in the states- of escaping the pain of seeing him tare his childhood friend apart- but he couldn't bring himself to leave her- and now as Conan, he was attached to more than just one person. The Detective boys meant more to him than he could ever verbalize. They were his family.

So when the tenth anniversary of his life as Conan came around he didn't even register it. He was horrible at that kind of thing- often forgetting his own birthday- he'd never wanted to acknowledge the day his life was stolen anyway.

Ironically the group was planning on going to an amusement park that evening- to celebrate Mitsuhiko's win in a mathlete competition. Haibara had organized the whole evening to optimize their use of time- seeing as how they all had school the following day. Ayumi excitedly chatted about what rides she wanted to go on as they walked to the park and Genta excitedly contributed his input on the food's he was going to eat. All and all it was turning out to be a fun day at the park.

It was after a ride on a roller coaster when the sound of a scream reached their ears that Conan had a stifling sense of dread and a tickling feeling of déjà vu. It was a murder of course.

What long outing with Conan didn't end in such a manner. If he was more aware of how weird it was to encounter death so much- if he was conscious of the statistics he may have sought out a shrine himself- but as it was he was not. This was just normal for him.

With the four detectives and Haibara on the case, the murder was solved in record time. Staged to look like an accident caused by faulty machinery. The old maintenance man had been murdered by a stilted younger employ. Conan still after so many years of murder could not understand the drive for it- especially for such superficial reasons.

It was after solving the case as they were debating on playing at some of the stalls that the first spasm hit. Conan stopped mid-sentence. He couldn't remember what the conversation had been about- something trivial. Something so precious it was lost in the moment.

"Conan-kun?" Ayumi's worried voice cut through the ringing in his ears as breathing returned to him.

"Are you okay, Edogawa-kun?" Haibara asked, still so formal around others even after all of this time.

"I…" That feeling of burning so sharp it seemed to pierce his very soul- he hadn't felt it in years- not sense he'd given up on ever being Kudo again… It was foreign. It was unwelcome. His first thought was that he was becoming Kudo again- randomly for no apparent reason. He gasped as another spasm sent him to his knee's. "Conan!" The Detective Boys worried voices hit him at once. Haibara stood back looking shocked as it must have occurred to her what was happening. "Kojima-kun, please go get some water. Tsuburaya-kun, Yoshida-san…" She hesitated. "Could you find a nurse if you can." She guided Kudo to a bench as she spoke. "Conan. Let's wait here."

Conan nodded breathlessly as the others took on their task diligently- years of working as a team kicking in like clockwork.

Once the other's were out of sight Haibara, gripping Conan's arm in a death grip, guided Conan to a secluded area that was a bit too reminiscent of where Conan began. "H-Haibara… what- ung-

Pain was causing his thoughts to scatter. He absently wondered how a ten years older than sixteen Kudo would look. Would he look like his dad- would he have a mustache?

"Hold on Conan. I don't know what's causing this- did you eat anything strange? Drink anything?"

Conan jerkily shook his head. "I-

"Conan?" Genta's voice cut off his pained rasp- not that Conan knew what he was saying at this point.

His blood was boiling and the sound of his friend's voice sent a cold fear through him that only seemed to intensify the fire in his veins.

"Kojima-Kun!" Haibara's voice was panicked. Conan could fill her hands on his shoulder's as he kneeled on the ground. Grass blurred in his vision. "How did you-

"Uh- the detective badges- duh. Why are you back here?"

Conan didn't hear the rest of the conversation has a scream tore through his throat as his bones felt like they were melting-

The world went black.

When next he woke Conan found himself surrounded by worried faces. "C-Conan?" Ayumi's voice was small, childlike, reminding Conan of the six-year-old who'd so enthusiastically befriended him ten years prior.

"A-Ayumi-chan?" His voice was raw and croaked out of his throat in a painful wobble.

"Kudo-kun…" Haibara's voice was sad and apologetic.

Conan blinked the blurriness away looking at her perplexed. It had been years since she'd used his name- and never in front of others- though it was her following sentence that made his blood run cold. "I'm sorry."

Sitting up through the throbbing pain, slowly, Conan looked down at his hands- horror rising in his gut like bile. "No… No. No! NO!"

Small child-like hands, peaking through too big for them sleeves, shook- feeling like his hands- responding to his moments- but- no! This couldn't be happening. Not again. "Calm down Conan." Genta said. "We'll figure this out. We'll get you back to normal."

"Yeah- I don't know what's happened but we'll help you." Ayumi said encouragingly. Her eyes squinted in worry but her smile soft.

Mitsuhiko was quiet his eyes shadowed by his bangs. Conan just nodded numbly to their reassurances. When the kid's all went to the Mouri's to explain what happened Ran quietly watched Conan- and he could not bring himself to look at her. Ran was not stupid. She never was. He could feel her anger and confusion warring with each other without looking.

As the Detective Boys left Conan and Haibara at the Mouri's the room filled with a tense silence. Conan knew it was Haibara's presence that was keeping Ran from exploding. Still, he was certain at that moment that all bets were off- the secret was out. "Ran-nechan…"

"Stop." Ran's voice came out dry and shaky. She glanced at Haibara, her eyes scrutinizing. "You knew?" She asked.

Haibara only nodded. "I…" Conan's voice caught. What do you tell the woman you love that you'd lied to her for ten years? Even though he'd let her go… he still very much loved Ran.

"You let me think you were dead." Her voice was accusing and cold as her bangs fell to cover her eyes.

Conan swallowed. "In every way that mattered, I was…" He whispered.

Ran shook her head and looked up tears falling down her cheeks. "No- you massive idiot! Do you think I would have cared- do you think-" Her voice cracked. "Why did you never tell me? Was it fun for you to watch me pine- to watch me fall apart-

"Of course not!" Conan couldn't stop the shaking in his limbs. "I nearly told you at the very beginning but then your dad dragged us to that kidnapping case… and I nearly told you a thousand more times… but it was too dangerous."

Ran snorted in disbelief. "It was." Haibara said smoothly. "We were being- may still be being targeted… If it was known that Kudo was alive… you would have been in danger as well. Also… do not put all the blame of secrecy on Kudo-kun alone… I threatened him into silence on more than one occasion." Conan flinched, not only from the bluntness of the statement but from the use of his old name.

"Why?" Ran's voice was desperately broken.

"I…" Haibara sighed. "You reminded me of my sister… whom was killed… I did not want to see you befall the same fate."

"Killed… you… said that you were both being targeted…?" Ran asked slowly. "Why?"

The two hesitated, sharing looks. Years of secrets were not so easily relinquished plus as unlikely as it was for the Black Organization to be looking for them now it was still an ever looming danger. Haibara hesitated. "It…"

"I was supposed to die that day." Conan said blandly.

"What?" The whisper of Ran's voice barely reached him.

"Tropical Land… the day I first disappeared… when I started that "case.""

"The poison was supposed to leave no trace, but leave him dead."

"Somehow… I ended up like this though." Conan held out his hands, still not looking up.

"A few months later I befell the same fate." Haibara said without any hint to elaborate.

There was a heavy air, seeming to rob the room of words. The sound of the door opening made the three jump. "What's for Dinner?" Mouri Kogoro yawned as he walked in only to pause as he took in the room. "What… who?" He blinked a few times before shaking his head. "I must be more tired than I thought…"

"No… um…"

"Hey, Dad." Ran said. "I'm just talking to Haibara and Conan's cousin-

"He's not wanting to freeload here is he?" Kogoro squinted. "We've already got one- we don't need another."

"Oh…" Ran hesitated. "Conan-kun left… with uh…"

"His mom." Conan said quickly. "She showed up and he and she are headed back to America-

"What?" Kogoro looked shell-shocked. "Without even saying goodbye?!"

"Well… it was kind of sudden…" Conan mumbled. "I mean I came to see him- only to find him gone… don't worry… I won't be sticking around though."

Ran looked heartbroken at his words. "C-K-" She stuttered.

"I'm going to stay at Professor Agasa's for a few days till I can…" Conan trailed off. "I guess figure out what to do with my time form now till I go home… I guess."

It was a painful lie. Home was here. Conan rubbed his arms fighting back overwhelming feelings of loss as Kogoro walked into the kitchen apparently satisfied with their story. There was no way Kogoro would believe he was Conan and even if he did… that'd be one more person in the loop- one more person that much closer to potential danger.

Conan shook his head. It was also just fear of rejection he realized. Kogoro had become like a well-respected uncle on his worst days and a second father on his best. Now… Conan's life was falling away from him. Being torn out from under him- just like Kudo's. Who even was he?

He didn't realize he was crying till warm arms wrapped around him. "Shh…" Ran's voice was quiet in his ear.

"He must have really wanted to see Conan." Kogoro said as he popped open a beer can walking back into the living space. "Sorry kiddo… I can't believe he just took off like that. After all the years… after everything…" Shaking his head the older detective sighed as he plopped down into his desk chair looking lost out his window.

"Conan…" Ran hesitated. "Conan wouldn't have left so quickly if he had a choice… I'm sure it was some kind of family emergency… I wouldn't be surprised if we don't get a phone call of some sort later."

Conan nodded stiffly in acknowledgment to her request.

It was a long few months as Conan adjusted to his new life… shedding Conan Edogawa had been just as hard if not harder than shedding Kudo Shinichi had been… maybe because so many people knew this time around. Though the Detective Boys didn't know about Kudo. Although Mitsuhiko sometimes seemed to have an idea of who he may have been he never voiced his opinion. A fact that Conan was both thankful and greatly regretful about.

Many many years later they did talk about it. By then though it was just another little fact. It did seem to bring a sort of piece to Mitsuhiko though. Kudo would never forget that. It was like a lifetime of stress seemed to leave his old friends shoulders.

At that time Conan spent more time moping at Agasa's than actually doing anything productive. Ran came by a few times but it'd be years and one more shrinking before they'd come to a sort of understanding.

Haibara shrunk herself a few months later. It was heartbreaking because as easy as it had been for her to leave Miyano Shiho behind, as easy as it had been to shed the name Sherry it was that much harder to accept that Haibara Ai was now lost.

That was seventy years ago. Today Kudo was saying goodbye to his eight life. "I can't do this anymore…" The seemingly six-year-old said tiredly as he sat in a plastic chair. Staring up at the monitors that kept track of his friend's heart rate and helped him breathe. Over the years Kudo had lived with Hattori Heiji on three different occasions. He never strayed too far from the Osaka detective- at least not after that one time he did spend ten years in America with his parents- masquerading as Kudo's kid. Calling his mom and dad grandma and grandpa. It was only once… it was too painful. He'd even lived with Ran once more. Staying as a foster child. It was fun playing with her kids. It was heartbreaking too. Not as heartbreaking as when she'd passed away though.

This time he had been living with Heiji as a distant relative. "I wish I could go with you." He said quietly.

A wet cough startled him slightly. "Kudo…" Heiji said looking at him with sad eyes. "I wish I could stick around and help ya… have ya found anythin' new?"

Shaking his head the false child only sighed. "I caught sight of Vermouth about a month ago… masquerading as a news host."

Heiji chuckled. "She just can't stay away from the limelight…"

"I just want it to end."

"All things come to an end eventually Kudo… I know ya can bring them down though."

"It's been eighty years sense Kudo died." The ghost of Kudo whispered. "How could I fail so horribly? I… wonder if they can be stopped… if darkness will always prevail… why fight it?"

"Kudo… don't go talkin' like that… if ya join the dark side I'll rise from the grave just ta whack ya a new one."

Kudo chuckled darkly. "Maybe I should then… so you won't leave me alone."

There was a strained sound from Heiji and Kudo closed his eyes. That night Hattori Heiji passed away at the age of 96.

Haibara alway's kept in touch even when they were fighting like vinegar and baking soda. It was many years after everyone they knew had passed. It was many years after they'd finally seen the end of the Black Organization and just as many since the death of Vermouth. Leaving anonymous tips to the police here and there they finally brought them down with some of their own infiltration and subtle sabotage through computer hacking.

One day, Haibara came to him with a little white pill. "I finally did it." She said breathlessly. It' had been many months since his last life started and she was still an adult. It hadn't occurred to him till just then but she shouldn't have been. "I found the cure. Finally." She said quietly.

"So…" Kudo or whoever he was at heart took the innocent looking pill into trembling fingers. "We can finally just…"

"Live." Haibara breathe. It'd been so long living this cycle they decided old names would be okay. She smiled more genuinely than he'd seen in decades at his shocked silence.

He felt a similar smile cross his lips as he took the pill dry.

About a year later as he found himself slowly walking up to her reading under a tree. He was taking a break from the game of soccer he was playing with a group of kids that reminded him sorely of past lives as he sat down. "Hey." He greeted.

"Hey." She returned with a soft smile.

"I was just thinking… taking that pill… it's kind of like a slow form of suicide… don't you think? Basically falling back into mortality."

Haibara snorted. "If we stayed like that you would have offed yourself eventually…" She did not bring up the times she had actually stopped him from doing just that.

Kudo nodded. "I'm actually going to get to grow up this time…" He sounded awed.

"We'll grow old, and we'll die." Haibara said with a smile.

"Sounds amazing." Kudo shared her smile.

"Oi!" A dark-skinned boy with dark eyes called out. "Kudo-kun! Ya've had a long enough break!"

"Yeah!" A dark-haired girl with blue eyes said hands on her hips. "Come on Shinich-kun! We need our best player if we're gonna win!"

"I want that ice-cream!" A boy with spiky brown hair hopped by the other two energetically.

"Get yer but over here!" They all cried in unison.

Kudo laughed. "Okay, okay- I'm coming!"

Content the two formal immortal children allowed their days to pass in peace and never took for granted those around them. And when they finally reached the end of their story they greeted it like an old lost friend.

* * *

Authors notes:

This is a oneshot. This is also my first attempt to use the kun and nee-chan suffixes... Wich was easier with it just being the main characters for the most part...

To be honest outside of the first paragraph I had no idea where this story was going the whole time I was writing it… I like it the way it is though… I actually managed a short story and it kind of works?  
Although I don't know what genre this would be or even how to sumarise it really...

Still, I hope you enjoyed it. :)

Review if you can, please!


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